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In a marriage, priorities must be in order: God first, spouse second, children third and then everything else. If there are frequent conflicts between spouses, the children will lack stability in the home. When parents divorce, the affect upon their children is devastating because they need the lifelong influence of a good father and a good mother. When a father does not love his wife and/or children, the evil consequences may be felt for generations. Children learn primarily by example. They frequently adopt the good or bad characteristics of their parents. When father and mother demonstrate poor communication, their children may develop poor interaction with their spouse. If their father is physically and/or verbally abusive to their mother, the sons will likely be abusive to their future wife. When a father is irreligious, his bad example may drive his children away from God. In many cases, young ladies marry someone who resembles their father. When such females have an amazing dad, they carefully choose a virtuous man who will be a very good husband and father. However, when dad is an alcoholic and/or a drug addict, his daughter will often marry an alcoholic and/or drug addict. When a father is abusive and/or too controlling, his daughter will often marry a man who is abusive and controlling. If dad is anti-religious or irreligious, his daughter will often marry someone with these bad characteristics. When a father is absent from the lives of his sons and daughters, the damage is incalculable. During my marriage instruction classes, I advise young ladies to carefully observe how their boyfriend treats his mother and sisters. If a boyfriend treats his mother and sisters well, it is likely that he will treat his future wife in a positive and loving way. In addition, I tell young ladies to watch how their boyfriend’s father treats his wife. In many cases, if the boyfriend’s father is self-centered, abusive, and unwilling to make sacrifices to please his wife, the boyfriend will treat her in the same manner if they get married. Mothers can help bond children with their father, or drive a wedge between them. For example, if a mother focuses on the negative and constantly criticizes her husband, the children will not respect their father. If she extolls his virtues, or determination or hard work, they will reverence and appreciate their father. The way boys see their father is largely a product of the things their mothers have said and the way they feel about their husbands. When a father ridicules his wife or expresses his irritation, he can do great damage to his wife’s relationship with their children. The child feel, “If dad can argue with mom, then we can, too.” Numerous problems develop. Conversely, a father can build respect for his wife by frequent expressions of love and admiration. A father’s good influence and interaction with his family is essential to a happy and well-ordered home. Children need a father to round out their development; to settle their disputes, to keep the peace, to guide and discipline. A good father is firm, but loving; decisive, but not dictatorial; gentle and yet not weak. Wade Horn, professor of psychiatry and behavioral science at George Washington University states, “... mothers and fathers do parent differently. Mothers tend to be more verbal, whereas fathers are more physical. Mothers also tend to encourage personal safety and caution, whereas fathers are more challenging when it comes to achievement, independence and risk-taking. And mothers tend to be stronger comforting figures than fathers who are more intent upon establishing and enforcing rules governing the behavior of their children.” “The fact that mothers and fathers parent differently is not to say that one group does it ‘right’ or ‘better’ than the other. What children need [in order] to develop good character is the combination of what fathers and mothers [each] bring to the parenting equation. Parenting experts used to believe that families socialize children best when both parents adopt a nurturing but permissive role, demonstrating high levels of love and low levels of control. Decades of research have shown, however, that when children are reared this way, they act out through chronic bad behavior. Permissiveness as a ‘parenting style’ simply doesn’t work.” “Boys and girls need a high level of nurturing balanced by a high level of control. Those who are reared in families that exhibit this combination are friendlier, more energetic, and better behaved. Those who are reared by single mothers, therefore, are warm and affectionate but have difficulty learning self-discipline. Conversely, those who are reared by single fathers are obedient but plagued by anxiety and insecurity. It has also been fashionable for... [some people] to assert that the physical play of fathers has no beneficial impact on child-rearing. Many self-proclaimed child experts exhort fathers to stop playing with the kids and do more housework. Some even claim that the rough-and-tumble play of fathers teaches aggression and should be avoided. But new clinical studies reveal that the physical play of fathers actually gives children much-needed practice in regulating their emotions and behavior, and helps them develop the capacity to recognize the emotional cues of others. The point is not to force a choice between the parenting role of mothers or fathers but to suggest that they work best when they work together... Kids don’t need impersonal ‘caregivers’; they need loving moms and dads. Fathers are also critical to the proper socialization of children because they teach by example how to keep negative impulses in check. It is through boys’ observation of the way their fathers deal with frustration, anger, and sadness that they learn how men should cope with such emotions. It is also through the observation of how fathers treat mothers that boys learn how men should treat women. If fathers treat mothers with dignity and respect, then it is likely that their sons will, too. If fathers treat mothers with contempt and cruelty, then it is likely that their sons will, too. Fathers are also critical for the healthy emotional development of girls. If girls experience the love, attention, and protection of fathers, then they are likely to resist the temptation of seeking such things elsewhere—often through casual sexual relations at a very young age. Finally, fathers are important in helping children make the difficult transition to the adult world. Boys require an affirmation that they are ‘man enough.’ Girls require an affirmation that they are ‘worthy enough.’ Some dads do make a difference in the lives of those around them. Unfortunately, it is chiefly a negative influence due to their self-indulgence, immaturity, immorality, and cowardice. According to Dr. James Dobson, “These type of men include those who sire and then abandon their children; who cheat on their wives; who lie, steal and covet... and who serve no god but money.” (Circular Letter, March 2002.) The father is the head of the home. But when the head is sick or injured, the other members of the family suffer. How many families today are dysfunctional because the fathers are so preoccupied with completing their own projects and their personal or financial goals that they completely neglect their primary responsibility after the salvation of their own immortal soul—the love and care of their family. Such fathers inflict incalculable harm upon their family members because they are absent, inaccessible or distant. Nevertheless, in many cases, such dads are so self-absorbed that they never realize how much their wife and children need their love and quality time. Fathers should spend time each day in fervent prayer. Be the spiritual leader God intends you to be. Assume the role that God has given you as fathers. Daily prayer, especially the rosary, will provide you with the wisdom to be a good father. There is not enough knowledge in books to counteract the wave of evil your children face almost everywhere they turn. The peer pressure from technology and associates is tremendous. We must pray for them every day, but prayer alone is not enough. Fathers, it is your responsibility to guide and lead your children to Heaven. I will conclude with a story. St. Thomas More is a model for Catholic family life. He had a great reverence for his own father, Sir John More, and would often speak gratefully of him for keeping him short of pocket-money at Oxford University, thus saving him from dissipation and thereby keeping him to his studies. Even after he was Lord Chancellor of England, he still kept up his childhood’s custom of kneeling to ask his father’s blessing; he would even do this in public as he passed through Westminster Hall, where his father sat as a judge of the king’s court, and then continued on his way to the Chancery. When at last his father lay dying, More oftentimes, with comforting words, most kindly came to visit him, with tears, most lovingly embraced him, and commended him into the merciful hands of Almighty God. More’s own four children had the same reverence and love for their father. His house at Chelsea was the model of a happy home. St. Thomas More was always devising some new diversion for his children and gave them an education far in advance of the times. When he was at home, there were family prayers every night. When he was away on some journey with the king, he would write long, loving letters to his children. When they were grown up and married, they still remained close to their father. Margaret, especially, the eldest daughter, enjoyed a wonderful friendship with her father.
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Queen of Angels Catholic Church is located in Santa Clarita, California and draws parishioners to the Traditional Latin Mass (Tridentine Mass) from all over Southern CA and the Greater Los Angeles areas.
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